Newsfright Jeremiah Axeman Interviews Coolson.

A printed circuit board inside a mobile phone

A Hacked Phone

Anouncer.

Good evening our next program is Newsfright in which Jeremiah Axeman, Incisive TV interviewer and part-time political stalker, will be interviewing Randy Coolson, one time editor of the soon to be defunct Chews of the World.

Jeremiah Axeman,
Mr Coolson can you tell us, when did you find out about the phone hacking scandal?

Randy Coolson,
Well the first I knew of it was when a police dog turned up in the office one morning.

Jeremiah Axeman,
Really? How did you know it was a police dog?

Randy Coolson,
He had a policeman with him

(That joke was last heard on a 1960’s novelty record, donations towards it’s retirement fund will be gratefully received and dutifully applied.)

Jeremiah Axeman,
What did the policeman say?

Randy Coolson,
Hello, I’m a policeman.

Jeremiah Axeman, [Oozing exasperation, all over the floor leaving a puddle]
Did he say anything else?

Randy Coolson,
Well he looked me up and down, as if I was the nearest thing he’d seen to a human being, without actually being one, and said. ‘I’m looking for a criminal.’

Jeremiah Axeman,
What did you say?

Randy Coolson,
I quickly glanced around the Office and said, “Find your own, it took me years to get this bunch!”

Jeremiah Axeman,
And What happened next?

Randy Coolson,
He advised me of the allegation and I interrogated the entire staff. They all had  watertight alibis, but just to be certain, I left them in the bathroom cistern  overnight.

Next morning my mobile phone rang and I answered, The caller told me I was under suspicion. I looked up but there was nothing there.

Jeremiah Axeman [Holding hand to head with pained expression]
How did this make you feel?

Randy Coolson,
I have to say I was quite angry.

Jeremiah Axeman,
Why? because you were innocent?

Randy Coolson,
No because he told me over the phone, you never know who’s listening on those things.

Jeremiah Axeman,
So you expect us to believe that you had no knowledge that your staff were illegally hacking into peoples phones.

Randy Coolson.
Well of course they were how do you think anybody gets to know that someone’s pet name for their secret lover is Snookums, its not the sort of thing you find out just by asking someone.

Jeremiah Axeman
So you are saying that the phone hacking was authorised by you.

Randy Coolson.
Of course not, I wouldn’t authorise something like that, you can get into trouble for that sort of thing.

Jeremiah Axeman
So did you know it was happening or not? Answer the question?

Randy Coolson.
Of course I knew it was happening.

Jeremiah Axeman,
But you didn’t put a stop to it.

Randy Coolson.
Of course not, we had to have something to put in the paper.

Jeremiah Axeman
Are you trying to tell us that there was no other news to put in the ‘Chews of the World.’

Randy Coolson.
Well of course there was other news, but you need proper Journalists to get hold of that, and they are sooooooo expensive.

Jeremiah Axeman
Thank you Mr Coolson, I think you have provided great insight into the situation.

Randy Coolson.
Great, [lowers voice] here, you don’t have a job going on your show do you?

Jeremiah Axeman
No

Randy Coolson.
Only I had this gig with the PM but he dropped me like a hot brick when this story broke, politicians hey, fair weather friends, so I’m unemployed right now.

Jeremiah Axeman,[fading]
I have no sympathy

Randy Coolson.[Also fading]
Why not?

Jeremiah Axeman, [Fading further]
I had it surgically removed.

Randy Coolson.,[Also Fading further]
Oh go on Gizz us a Job.

Jeremiah Axeman[Fading even more]
No

Randy Coolson.[Really faint]
You bast.. .. [inaudible]

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About Transremaxculver

An entirely fictitious username I created for posting on 'alt.religion.scientology', Scientology is something of which I am highly critical. For those of you who don't know, the Church of Scientology have a habit of making life very uncomfortable for even the most legitimate of critics, which is why this username is completely anonymous. Anyway I have become quite fond of this username, and although it has to some extent outgrown it's original purpose, I think a blog is perhaps the right place for me/it to continue to grow and develop.
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